I miss you bud. I was thinking about you a lot yesterday. Finals are stressing me out but I’ll be home Friday. I keep thinking about what kind of advice you’d give me. I miss dreaming about you. 

I got the job as multimedia editor, I think, I’m at least staff…but since I’m the only one with video skills I’m probably the editor too. I keep thinking about how much you hated Europe and I can’t help but smile. I talked to Bossman two days ago, he sounded tired, and sad. Another baby arrived last month…maybe three weeks ago? I forgot to tell you. You probably knew. Landon. He’s adorable, of course. I wish I could meet him. 

Boss thinks he might be able to get up to visit this summer if he can convince Kel. I hope he can. 

Ya’know, William, in high school I thought, maybe if he could just get back there, everything would work out for him and he would be happy…I can’t stand to hear him and think he’s having a rough go…

Sometimes I imagine making enough money to pay for him and kel and the babies so he could do what he’d like, travel, work if he’d like, anything…I just want the best guy I know to be happy, Will. 

I know you’re looking over him and your fam…but give me a smile once in awhile.

Love Always

I was telling someone a little bit about you yesterday. I might have made some stuff up! I know you’re laughing at me right now but I had too! I miss you so much sometimes I don’t know what to do. College so far has been great, year two is killing year one. I get sad sometimes knowing you never got this far but then I remember how much you did and how much fun you had. Everyone misses you buddy. I hope you and Chance are having a fun time.

Love Always

I miss you like crazy right now, Will.

We spent last night driving around looking for a party and all I can think about now is how proud you would be of me! I can almost hear you making fun of me for getting tired around 2am. 

I honestly can’t stop thinking about you.

Love As Always

Today is two days into 2012 and all I can think about is how you never got to see this. I try to live life like you did; always looking for a good time and making people laugh like you did, but it’s hard. You were one of a kind, special, I knew that from the first minute I knew you. I wish you were here to celebrate with me. I wish a lot of things. I should call Boss soon, haven’t talked to him since two days after xmas. I got to see him and his family, on baby with another on the way. I just hope he’s happy…he seemed happy. I’m being boneheaded right now, William. I’m being stubborn when I have no right to do so, and I know it. There are some things I really should get over but I just can’t. I wish someone was here to talk me out of my anger. I keep trying to tell myself how wrong I am but every time I get close something reminds me how hurt I was and the fear comes back…I’m ashamed of how stubborn I am being, I know I will regret this one day. I am a selfish person and I hate it. I wish you were here everyday. Love as Always

It’s almost Christmas and the street looks so pretty all lit up with everyone’s lights. I’ve been home for about a week now, haven’t done much or seen to many people but, it’s still great to be home. I’ve been applying to internships like crazy, trying to stick around here because I have to take a math class. I wish I could go back to the camp this year but, honestly, it seems like a waste of time.

Its funny how my freshmen year I felt like I had all the time in the world, and now I’m freaking out like I’m graduating tomorrow. I’m not so sure about graduating early anymore, Will. It’s a scary thought only having two more summers before the real world kicks me. 

I’m gonna go see Boss on Monday, that should be a lot of fun. I feel like I haven’t seen him in forever…I guess it’s been about a year. Wow. I can’t believe it. I miss him like crazy, so much I couldn’t even explain it to him if I had the chance.

Sometimes I’m sitting around thinking about what I want to do when I grow up, career wise and so on, and I can never really decide. Some days I want to go into politics; other days I just want to write for a newspaper somewhere; other days I want to shoot and edit videos like I do already. And of course there are the days when all I want to do is work at a the camp every day for the rest of my life. 

It’s hard to decide. And why can’t I do everything? You would have figured out how to do everything.

I miss you so much.

Love Always.

I keep trying to live like you did but it’s so hard to when all the bullshit piles up. I’m scared of how I’m gonna pay for school and worried about the future and busy with classwork. I wish you were here with me to help me find the time to relax. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the best time in my life, the best moment that I’d want to relive over and over, and I think I found one. 

That time when I was in Greece and Boss asked me to take a walk with him down to buy a soda before dinner. The night was warm and clear and the streets were busy with tourists and locals. I matched his stride and didn’t think about what it would be like without him around. I don’t even remember what we talked about but I remember how I felt: safe and happy, like everything was going great. 

We were only there for a couple more days and the whole trip was amazing, but that moment sticks out to me. Out of all the times I spent with that guy, hanging around after school or laying my head on a desk and just talking to him. Like whenever I was all messed up I could go up to his classroom and chill out. That moment though, when I knew it would all be over soon and I would be leaving for college but, instead of being scared or sad, I was really happy; I was ready for anything.

I miss him so much, Will. I saw Coach over Thanksgiving Break, hugged his neck and told him how much I missed him and I meant it, but when I’m here, Boss is who I wish I could talk too. I wish he had more time for me. 

I miss you too, Will, so much. 

Love Always

I just can’t stop thinking about you! Maybe because it’s so close? I miss you a lot and I think about you every day, but lately I’ve just been seeing you everywhere and thinking about how much fun you’d be having if you were here. You would laugh at all the studying I’ve been doing, you never had to study, lucky boy.

Thanks for the smile, I love looking up and knowing you’re laughing and looking down at me. I want to live life the way you did, with all those people loving you. Will, sometimes I get so bummed thinking about how unfair it is that you had to go, I know folks would say it’s been awhile…I bet your bro and sister still think that too though. They know you’re with them though. 

Just writing to say ‘hi’.

Look over Boss for me?

Love Always

Your birthday’s coming up, I know you’re gonna have a great party, I just wish it was down here. 

I don’t know what to do, Will, I need a hug badly! Maybe you could visit me in a dream and help me out? I’m falling and no one is there to help me up. I miss home so much. Why did I come here? Sometimes I think I know but the reason slips from my fingers like water, just out of grasp. I have a good conversation with Ben the other day that made me smile, and helped me remember how important it is to have someone who can tell you that you’re wrong and why, without making you feel stupid. He reminded me why I loved SJB, and why I hope to love UA. 

People are so important to me, William, why can’t I find the good ones here? In a community of nearly 50,000 I can’t find but one person to talk too? 

I called Boss a week or two ago, I know he’s busy but it’s so great to talk to him. I miss how clear everything seemed when he was around, like I could bullshit and dawdle over an idea. 

Remember how I always complained about not feeling anything around here? How I wasn’t happy or sad, just running on auto-pilot watching the world go by? That all stopped about two weeks ago, now I feel hurt very often, sad because of it, or extremely happy because I’m not thinking about what’s making me sad. There is no middle, I am never annoyed, or just good, its one of those three. Will, is it bad that I don’t want to feel? I would rather go back to cruise-control than be so torn up. I thought only Coach could do this to me.

I miss you so much, William, give me a smile tomorrow, let me know everything’s gonna be OK.

Love Always

I miss you so much. I haven’t gone a single day without thinking about you this week. Every time something happens I glance up at the sky, and can almost here you laughing at me, you always laugh at me. I wish I could talk to you face to face. So much has happened and even though I know you can see everything, I just wish I could get your advice. I haven’t talked to Boss in forever, he’s busy, super stressed…I guess I kind of thought that, if he got the job he always wanted maybe he’d be happy…that everything would just stop being bad for him. I don’t think it’s too bad, I just think he’s got more on his plate than he should. I want to talk to him so bad but I don’t want to call him at the wrong time. He really is so busy. There is so much I want to tell him about my life right now, so many funny and not-so-funny things, just talk you know, here his voice and grin because he’s so constant and he always knows what to say. The other day I was hurting really bad, wanting to talk to him, I just couldn’t get over it, couldn’t focus on any of my work. Will, I don’t know, I just needed to talk to him, I still do. 

I wish I could see you Will, I need you so bad right now.

Love Always